Straight Up

I try really hard at pleasuring my girlfriend. Going down on her and
trying to make her feel good, but she doesn't seem to be able to get off. I
want to try anal sex but she says she's not into it. How do I get my
girlfriend to open up and be more sexual with me?

I can kind of see what is going on here. You might be getting frustrated
while she is giving up. The pressure builds. I know that a man just wants
his woman to get off. That's what he wants. Believe me, she wants it too. So,
when she doesn't get off, he feels like loser. You aren't a loser, you may
even be the greatest lover that ever existed, but aside from that, she just
might not feel comfortable with you and that is okay. Certain people match
with certain people for certain things. Sex is one, work is one, friends are another
one, there are tons of ways people can match up. Sexually maybe you two
aren't the best match. I suggest that you sit her down and tell her that you
want to make her happy. You have to be serious. Once you do this, she will
tell you what is really going on.

Perhaps she has never had an orgasm in her life? In that case, try a
vibrator. Maybe she can only get off when she is masturbating alone? In this
case, ask her if you can join, or tell her you want to be a part of it. Tell
her it's important to you. Or maybe she has been able to get off with other
men but not with you? Well, it's not your personal technique, it's just how
she feels around you and there is no point in changing yourself to force an
orgasm. Just face the facts that you aren't meant for a sexual relationship
and move on. In conclusion, or all in all.....if a woman is good for you,
she will get off with you or work on getting off with you. That's plain and
simple and very beneficial if you ask me.

Yea sit her down and ask her if she's been able to get off with other men besides you. Then when she says "yes" go stand in front of the mirror and stare at your limp dick while crying.

Or maybe don't ask that question. There are certain questions that should never be asked (next week's column) and this is one of them. What you should be asking her is what she likes and doesn't like about sex. Believe it or not ladies most guys want you to get off during sex. The problem is that we're not very bright and you don't communicate to us what you want in fear that we'll think you're a slut. Am I right or am I right? If we haven't somehow stumbled across getting you off and you finally do tell us it's usually just one suggestion. We need more to work with ladies. We're even less creative then we are bright. Trust me if you can get off more ways then one we wanna hear about or else we're just gonna keep doing the one leg over the other move.

Now this question is coming in from a guy and he has to figure out this information for himself, but ladies if you're reading this please stop worrying about whether you'll look like a slut. We love sluts. We want to be with sluts. The only people that don't like sluts are other sluts. Trust me. I would much rather be with a slut then some chick who can only get off with other dudes. Wait that's a slut!

Topic for the Week: Can a man be a slut? If so what makes him a slut.

It's been hotter then hell in LA this week. Of course I don't have air conditioning in my place.(Sorry to dissapoint some of you. I am extremeley charming and attractive, just not wealthy) So anyway I went down to the Home Depot to get myself a fan. I've never seen such a melting pot of hot people. They weren't attractive mind you. Exactly the opposite. More like sweaty earth pigs. Anyway now I'm lying on the couch as the fan blows thinking about the poor bastard below here.

I've been celibate for awhile now. It's not so much the act of sex that
turns me off but it's the smell. For some reason the smell of another person
really disgusts me. I want to get over this but I don't
know how.

I like this question. But, I am sorry that the smell of humans is so
unattractive to you. I can understand how you would wish for the ability to
be attracted to human smell, but there are just some things people can't
handle. My honest belief is that people pick their mates by smell. I mean
its one thing to be attracted to someone, its one thing to be nice to each
other and it's another to have common interests. I think the final cut is if
you like each other's smell. It would make sense that you have been celibate
if you can't handle the smell of anyone. Have you ever tried plugging your
nose? I know that would be kind of strange to have sex with cotton balls in
your nose. I am sure the person you were doing would take it personally too.
What if you sprayed your favorite cologne or perfume on the sheets to
distract you? You could also just breathe through your mouth. That works. I
hope that this helps and that you have some nice smelling sex soon.

I like this question too. Nothing can change a person's mood like a bad smell. I have a pretty sensitive nose and if a fish farts near me or I get the faintest whiff of say a dead baby hooker I can easily loose my lunch. It's actually rather fascinating how much smell determines the way you feel about a certain something or someone. There have been many studies done that show that certain smells can make you focus more on your work or even help you lose weight.

Recently I read an article that said sex drive was determined by a certain gene. I wonder if it's more that you're an asexual person and the smell of someone is just a side affect of that. Barring calling you a freak and telling you to live in a cave I have one suggestion that I think might work. Next time you're about to have sex with someone suggest that the two of you both shower first. Showering together can be fun and romantic. Have some scentless soap on hand or maybe a non-offensive scent like Dr. Bronners Peppermint Castile soap. When you've finished showering you'll notice that you don't smell as much. Of course you can't take a shower every time you want to have sex, but at least you won't have to go live in that cave. Freak.

Topic of The Week: Have you been grossed out by others enough to stop having sex with them? If so what did they do that bothered you?

So I'm out in 29 Palms near Joshua Tree. As I walk by the pool I see this smokin hot bird and I wonder to myslef "What the fuck is she doing out here in the middle of nowhere." I notice she's standing near this older guy who I assume is her father. As they walk closer I realize it's Eric Burdon. I guess he lives out here in Yucca Valley. One of the better sightings so far in California. Plus the fact that he was with a woman 30 years younger was pretty cool.

Is it ok for a girl to ask a guy out and if so how do you go about it? I met
this guy the other night and he hasn't called yet and I want to call him,
but I've been out of the dating scene for quite awhile now.

Your decision is going to depend on what type of male you are talking about.
So far I have uncovered four distinct breed of males. All of which have
different needs. Please see chart below:

39% of men are Mr. Traditionals: Most primal of the subspecies he more than
likely approached you. He is confident, determined, helpful and at times
very talkative. He is the man. This is not the type of guy you should call.
He wants to call you. He also wants to make the first move. So, let him. If
you call him, it will set him out of his boundaries and he will become
intimidated. In turn he will seek a woman who will submit to his desires.
Good example is Robert Redford.

37% of men are Mr. Dudes: Also highly primal except this guy is more
concerned about food, shelter and sex versus a pretty woman. This guy may
have approached you if you were wearing tight pants, a low cut shirt or were
pole dancing on the bar drunk. You can call this guy and if he is available
he will hang out. You can also let loose around this guy and be yourself
because he doesn't really care. This guy is good for fun, so don't plan on
any type of commitment from him. A good example is George Clooney.

18% of men are Mr. Shys: He is very confusing because he pretends like he
doesn't like the girls he really likes while he freely talks to the women
who he would never date. This guy does not approach women. This guy does not
call women either. This is generally the man most women like because if he
likes you, he is golden. Unfortunately, this type of guy doesn't come around
very often, so call him NOW. Kiss him too; give him a big juicy blow job.
Jake Gyllenhaal is a good example of this guy.

6% of men are Mr. Mixes: He is the rarest breed. This guy is a combination
of all three breeds and changes by the day. He is unpredictable which is
good for women who get bored easily, however this guy tends to have many
women after him. This guy may have approached you, but that doesn't mean he
is going to talk to you the next day. He also might appear attached to one
woman, only to like another a week later. He is good for women who are into
psychology. If you would like to have a good intellectual conversation, give
him a call, but don't plan on anything more. Biggie Smalls is a good example of
this guy.

I hope that helps. It really should. If you have more subspecies to add,
feel free. I am still in the anthropological beginnings of my male
discoveries.

Funny enough Lindsey and I both came up with lists this week on our own and about men. It seems like women are always trying to figure out why men act a certain way. I say give up now ladies. There is no hope.

Also I didn't realize that I am included in 6% of the men out there. I must be quite unique. Some would say rare. I think Lindsey has a pretty good thing going here and it'd be hard to argue with a list where I'm included with Robert Redford, George Clooney, and Jake Gyllenhall.

However I think that you'd be wasting your time by trying to figure out what type a guy someone is before you call him. How would you ever know unless you spent some time with him?

If a man likes you he will definitively be available when you call. Especially if you have yet to sleep with him. The place where a lot of women go wrong is they take things way to serious way to fast. I have never once had a guy ask me if I was "paying attention" to them, but some women freak out if you don't look them directly in the eye during a conversation. This kind of shit freaks guys out and so we tend to stay away from these "needy" women.

It's all in your approach. Feel free to call the guy whenever you want, but suggest something casual like getting together for a drink after work. That gives us a chance to get out of the date after a few beers and never call you again. Men like to feel comfortable that we can avoid you in the future. If you give us enough slack we might even stick around.

Topic of The Week: Have you ever waited a specific time to call someone you actually liked?

Is Deal or No Deal the dumbest fucking show ever or what? It's just idiots opening boxes. They think that there is some method to it when all it is, is a game of chance. Listen lady you are being offered $100,000 for doing nothing. Take the money! Besides that and "To Catch a Predator" (the show where a bunch of dudes try to bang some underage girl who loves Mike's Hard Lemonade) TV is at an all time low. Personally I love it!

I think everyone deserves a second date. I don't think you can tell enough
about a person just by one date. That being said I'm single and haven't had
a girlfriend in a really long time. What am I doing wrong?

It's not that you are doing anything wrong; it's that you are really
annoying. Men sit there and complain about how annoying women are when
really, they are the annoying ones. I was at a house last night trying to
sleep on the couch when a group of dudes showed up and wouldn't shut up. One
of the guys was applauding at anything funny his friends said. I was laying
there thinking, this is really fucking stupid man. I got up and gave them a
lecture about how they have no right to accuse women of being annoying. Then
I left. My point is that you are either talking too much, or not enough. On
top of this, you are probably not doing anything she wants. The three keys
to getting a second date are this:

1. Ask her what she wants to do, and do it.
2. Keep up with her pace....don't be too loud or too quiet.
3. Be original....don't make any moves.

If you can follow those three things then you are on your way to her
bedroom. Congrats!

Nobody deserves a second date. You either like someone and want to ask them out again or you don't. Myself, I don't think I've ever really been on a successful date. Going on dates is something weird that New Yorkers do. The rest of us just hook up drunkenly at bars or parties.

Lindsey, how can you say this guy is annoying? You don't even know him. And what is this men are annoying line? Men and women are both equally annoying, just in different ways. Usually Men do annoying things like leaving the toilet seat up or fucking your best friend but women annoy the shit out of us with their constant nagging. We all know this to be true but we just accept it and move on.

What you're doing wrong my friend is that you're being too nice with this 2nd date crap. The men that women want to be with don't have "rules" or "criteria" for dating. You show up and if the chick is a pig, dates over. It's that simple. If she's cool and good looking don't worry about it and ask her out again. As far as asking her what she wants to do? Please. Have you ever asked a woman what she wanted to do? They have no fucking clue. Do whatever you want. She'll respect you for that.

Topic: Worst date ever?

For the literally tens of people that read this column weekly i would like to update you on an intersting twist. The radio show companion to this column entitled "Cats and Dogs" has been picked up by a college station in the UK. Typical that America is slow to act(I'm looking in your direction slavery!) but hopefully this will lead to more opportunities to spread our unique and generally hilarious ideas around the world.

Last week my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me. He basically just said
he was "Bored of looking at me." Now I'm depressed and don't know what to
do. How do you get over a break up? How long does it take?

I always wanted to be a detective or a criminal psychologist so, now is a
good chance to use my criminal profiling skills. From the way you make this
guy sound, he could easily be completely unaware of anyone but himself. The
fact that he used the words "bored" and "looking" suggest that he is really
vain. Also, people who get bored easily can have issues with commitment.

I think you are more depressed about the way he made you feel. Please
realize that he is going to make anyone he is close to feel like this. It's
not you. To get over a break up means that you have to deal with the
rejection. If you would have been smart enough and dumped him before he did
it to you, you would be fine right now. It's the fact that you let a loser
reject you. It's one thing to get dumped by a magnificant man, but by a
loser is harsh.

You have to get over it. It's not that big of a deal. If he was a good man
then maybe I could understand, but any dude who tells you that he is "bored
of looking at you" isn't even cool enough to be called a dick. In the mean
time, go get a tub of icecream and eat it all. Then, puke it up on a picture
of his face.

Typically the average time it takes to get over a realtionship is 1/3 of the time you were together. So in your case you're looking at about a year. What you need to realize though is that it's not about you. Women always think it's about them when we break up, cheat, or want to spend time apart from you.

The deal with most guys is that we need to feel very secure in our own lives(i.e. succesful) before we can spend any quality time with a woman. This guy is basically telling you that he is unhappy in his own life and not ready for a commitment. Look you got off easy. You could have gotten married and had kids before he decided he was bored with you.

Don't eat any ice cream. Join the gym and meet someone better.

Topic of the Week: What is the harshest way someone has ever broken up with you?