Straight Up

It was a warm San Francisco night last night which is always a good time. It's easy to get sucked up in LA and forget what real cities are like with real people walking around the streets. I love LA, but you gotta wash that smog off your lemon tree every now and again.

RIP Steve Howe. I hope he wasn't fucked up when he wrecked his car, but when you've been suspended 7 times from major league baseball for drug violations it wouldn't be surprising if he wasn't in a normal state of mine when he wrecked his car.

On a happier baseball related not Craig Biggio still hold the record for get plunked at bat(hit by pitch) I think he's been beaned over 300 times. Pretty cool dude!

What kind of advice would you give to a guy that wants to meet a lot of
women? I know there are a few books out there on the subject, but some of
them seem so cheesy. How do you become a player?

Well, I think you just answered your own question. Key word, Cheesy. If you
are cheesy, you are going to make it in todays day and age. Everyone is
coming up with a new Cheese theory, I can't even stand it anymore. It's
like, "shut up, all you are doing is making think of how bad I want to eat
cheese when I am trying to starve myself!" No wonder Americans are fat, they
are believing that the meaning of life revolves around food. Like, sharp
cheddar, mmmmmmmm. Okay anyway, the cheese books are the biggest sellers.
Have you ever heard of "Who Moved My Cheese?" Yea, it's the hippest book I
have ever read, you should pick it up, the typing is huge and it talks about
mice in a maze. A first grader would probably get a kick out of it. Sorry, I
am off on a cheese tangent. #&^%! cheese.

How do you become a player? Well, women don't want players you goose. That's
how we are fooling you. You think that we want players, but all we are doing
is playing you!! hahahah. You really honestly believe that we want a player?
No. Way off buddy, we are just seeing who is smart enough not to fall for
our little ploys. The ones who are players will remain lonely players for
the rest of their lives. So, if you want to get in a lot of women's pants,
which I am guessing is what you are trying to do, don't know why because I
thought all men didn't want to get married and have a family, however your
actions prove otherwise? Then tell them you want to get married and have a
family. You can even lie and you won't be lying. If you have a drink of
water, you are thirsty. If you eat, you are hungry. So cheesy, but oh so
true. Hopefully now you can understand why more and more people are becoming
gay.

If you listen to Lindsey you're gonna end in a relationship and I don't think you want that. Nobody really does when they're young. You may think you do, but you're just not ready.

So how to meet chicks? I've spent countless hours going over this in my mind and trying to figure out the key to meeting, dating, and successfully bedding women. I feel like I've been on my own little Manhattan Project. I've calibrated the scales, successfully figured out an equation to find the average volume of the female vagina(it's v squared minus p over c where v= vagina and p and c are pubic hair and clitoris respectively), and done numerous water displacement tests with my scrotum. It's consumed a greater portion of my life to say the least.

So far what I've come up with is that there IS a key to meet women. The problem is that the key is different for each guy. A generalization of that would be to just play up your strengths. I have good looking male friends who have the rest of us already beat and don't really have to try hard. For everyone else it's a little more difficult.

What seems to work for me(and again this is a theory so feel free to tell me I'm wrong Lindz btw I can tell you how much of any substance your vagina can hold) is my sense of humor and the fact that I'm very open and honest when I speak.

For example I was giving this girl who I had just met a really hard time about her music tastes the other night. I was basically saying she couldn't possibly like music if she liked the bands she said she did. After she called me an asshole and walked away her friend came up and told me that the first girl secretly had a crush on me. Too bad she has terrible taste in music.

Anyway my point is that while I was talking to her I wasn't being mean, just kind of teasing her and making jokes and being honest about my opinion.

You have to figure your own "Talisman" or whatever works for you.

In the meantime I need to come up with a quick little guide on how to manage the male strengths.

Maybe we should make that a topic of the week and then I can report the results.

Topic: Girls, what do you look for in a man when you first meet him. I know we all like funny people. That's like saying you like chocolate. I'm talking about when a guy first walks up, what do you notice?

I can't pronounce that word either. So I shot a commercial for an Italian clothing line today. Most of it was just running around with a tripod on my back. I had a bit part as the annoyed junkie walking out of the Roslyn Hotel. We had to switch rooms a couple times due to copious amounts of human fluids on the wall. My buddy Chad (the good looking one) was the lead of course but maybe I can cash in on some residuals down the line. Either way we had a good time in downtown LA freaking out the crack heads as we chased some poor bird up and down the street.

So here's a weird one for you. I had been dating this guy for 5 months
when he asked me to marry him. We were totally in love so I didn't
think twice when I said yes. On our wedding day 2 children showed up
who I had never seen before. He told me they were his kids from a
previous relationship. I literally froze. I could not believe what was
happening. After a couple hours I started to feel better and we went
through with the wedding. Am I insane? We have a great relationship,
But every once in awhile I wonder why he never bother to tell me
about the kids.

No, you aren't insane. Just easily manipulated. Look on the bright side.
Now is your chance to tell him that you are a transvestite, change your name
and get the hell out of the country. I bet if anything you are relieved that
he had a huge secret like that to reveal to you. People these days, they
assume that having kids isn't going to make a difference, so they wait until
the freaking wedding day to bring it up. You are left no choice but to say
yes at that point. If you didn't want to proceed with the wedding you would
come across as a cold hearted bitch for not accepting the children. He is
pretty good at what he does. If I were you, I would look into his police
records. He has probably robbed a couple banks and skipped bail more than a
few times. And the Hummer he drives you around in, it's stolen. Let's see
what Jed has to say about this.

Insane is not the right word for you. You're nuttier then a shit house rat. What are you thinking marrying some dude who kept his 2, count 'em two children from you? If I were you I would have immediately called off the wedding. If someone thought for an instance that you were "cold-hearted" I would tell them to go fuck themselves. When you enter into a marriage you're taking a vow to disclose any truths and information you have about yourself. What is the point of getting into a legal contract (which is really all that it is) without being able to fully trust someone. Like Lindsey says, "What else is he hiding from you?"

Unfortunately it's too late to run away and change your name. You've already made your bed and you're gonna have to lie in it. I hope you can sleep easy next to those two rugrats that you don't know from Adam.

We wanna hear what you all in TV land have to say about this so let us know about any crazy stories you have when it comes to finally bitin' that bullet and settling down.

What a week. I almost forgot that this was Jesus's time to ascend into heaven. Thank you Jesus, see you and all your chocolaty glory this time next year.

and without further ado:

Q: My girlfriend is kind of different. I love her and everything is great,
except for one thing. She insists upon listening to the Knight Rider Theme
song over and over again when we have sex. She says that is the only thing
that gets her going. Unfortunately, I have found that I can't even get off
anymore because the song is so annoying. We are stuck between a rock and a
hard place. What should I do?

You know sometimes we get what seems like prank questions here at
Friendsation, but then you hear about guys getting killed from
perforated rectums while having sex with horses so you can't really
assume anything anymore. As a professional, it is my duty to take a
serious look at all my patients and then give my diagnosis no matter
how absurd it seems.

That being said, you should quit being such a pussy and get into it
with your girlfriend. It's not like she wants to watch Knight Rider.
Sometimes people like a little background noise when making love. I
prefer to listen to a pre-recorded tape of my mother reading my list
of chores for the week. See, in comparison your gal seems pretty normal
now.

You should see how far you guys can take it without laughing. Do your best "Robot Kit" voice and say
things like "That's right. Take it Michael, take my stick-shift up
your tailpipe, I mean my tail pipe, that's it lick my pipe."

Shit sorry, "lick pipe" even grossed me out there.

I bet if you got real crazy and graphic like illustrated above it
might even turn her off and she wouldn't even want to hear it anymore. Then
again you could get stuck fucking to the "A-Team." Sometimes life is
about compromises.

Uh. I think I just got turned off. I myself prefer music like Warren G
Regulator, or Snoop Dog Lodi Dodi when I am doing it. Or even pure moods.
Pure Moods is by far the best music to *%@$#&$ to. But everyone has their
own mood lifters and shifters. If you are truly no longer getting off then I
would sit your girlfriend down and say, "I am not getting off." But you have
to tell her that you want too. If she knows that you want to get off but
can't because of the Knight Rider repetition, if the song isn't repetitive
enough by itself, then I am pretty sure that you taking action such as
sitting her down and talking to her about this will make a huge difference.
There is no point in holding stuff back, not when the issue is dealing with
sex. Sex is too beautiful and special of a subject to ignore. Try using
Jed's line, or poem, whatever it is on her, and then get back to us and let
us know if it works. Good Fluck.

P.S Same goes for women. If you are not getting off with your boyfriend,
take him aside, sit him down and tell him that you want too. He will listen.
If he doesn't then he is just using you.

So what out there has been your weirdest request in the bedroom? We here at friendsation.com wanna know. Winner gets free rent next door to me until the new neighbors move in.

Well I lost all my money in Vegas......again. I've been there like 4 times, but I ain't never won shit. Everyone around me wins, but I never do. However, I did have a nice conversation with some Mexican hookers. Upon inspecting their I.D's, I came to find that they were 19 years old even though they were in a bar in Vegas. I don't even know why I was talking to them at 5 a.m., but men are like that. When women approach us we never tell them to leave us alone, even when there are two black guys in mink jackets and lime green suits watching our every move. Of course once I realized what was happening I was out of there toot sweet and back to bed at the Hooters Hotel and Casino. I'm not kidding.

So let's get a bucket of wings and a bottle of Dom and answer some questions for the week!

Q: What do men fear most about marriage? What do women fear?

Well I can't really answer for a woman. Unless of course they intend on marrying me. In such a case their only fear would be years of pleasure and sensual delights not yet experienced in our time. Much less this world. I'm pretty good at doing it.

Guys have many fears when it comes to marriage, commitment is the big one everyone always mentions, but I think a lot of guys would be willing to commit if women would just shut the hell up sometimes. However I think the main fear for a man is responsibility. Ya see as soon as we're born we're expected to perform. We compete at sports at a young age and it's very important for us to win. Not only are we supposed to be athletic but we also have to have the answer for everything. If a man doesn't provide for his family he's looked down upon by society. We're shackled to our desks at work until we die, just so we can provide. A woman doesn't have that responsibility. If she doesn't want to get a job all she has to do is find a man to support her. I'm not saying women have it better then men. I've never personally had to sit down in a Port-A-Potty. I'd rather get married then have to do that for the rest of my life.

As a 25 year old woman, what I fear most about getting married is that it could end in divorce. I would be thinking, what was the point of all that? I want to get married I guess, but it's not at the top of my priority list. Some women my age have already been married for 4 years, or are planning a marriage. Some women just mature faster. I wont be thinking about marriage until I meet the guy I want to marry. He will be the one who is able to get me off on penetration alone.

As for men, I think that they fear long term. It's hard to sign a 50-year lease. That is scary shit. No one likes to be stuck. When men get married, they are giving up the chance that they could meet a hot girl in a bar one night, who happens to be going to Australia for 10 days and is adventurous enough to invite him. Unfortunately, any man who is married would have to say no. I believe many men would rather wait and see if that ever happens then get married. Eventually, the smart guys realize that it wont. So, they get their life together, get a good job they are happy with, and start looking for a woman who will be nice, supportive, and make a good mother. I don't know if they are necessarily smart, but they are doing it the right way. As of now anyways. Who knows how things will change. In 20 years, I might have to deal with my son coming to me and telling me that he is dating Toodles, the next door neighbor dog. People just need to meet the person who can soothe their fears and bring out the best them. True love shouldn't be based on marriage.

Comments for the week: What are your fears?

Hello fellow friendsationerers or uhh friendsationogonians or friends. Friends is fine. Let's go with that. You may have noticed that we have some new blogs up. I'm happy to introduce our east coast correspondent Andrew Parks who is handling the music section from the wonderful borough known as Brooklyn. Andrew is a wealth of knowledge so check his blog often for the latest in all things pertaining to sound.

Also on the other end of the spectrum we bring you Haylie Cook, focusing on the astrology. Feel free to send in your questions or comments for her and she'll tell you what you need to know. I think she has one of those balls or something. And now for this week's questions!

Q: I just started dating this girl. Anyway I met her downtown the other day and I couldn't even get close to her because her breath was so bad. I just kind of let it go but then a few days later it was just as bad only a totally different smell! Should I tell her? It's really bad.

Jed said: If you like her you're gonna have to tell her. It's not really as painful as it sounds and she'll probably be thankful you said something. I'm sure others have noticed as well. One way to do it is to say "Hey as a friend and someone who really likes you I have to let you know that sometimes your breath smells like you just ate a pile of baby shit." Or maybe get one of her friends to tell her. Sometimes I'm not so good with the sensitivity. If you don't like her, just dump 'ol garbage mouth and move onto the next girl who'll probably have B.O. Nothing's really good enough for you is it? Is it Dad? Wait sorry, not sure what just happened there.

Ya know what I hate is when a girl has like a mustache. Not a Burt Reynolds but those little black hairs on the corners of their mouths. Why ladies? Why? You can see it right? Look in the mirror tonight. If there's something there you can borrow my razor. But please only use it on your face. That's a whole nother column.

Lindsey says: Jed come on. I have not seen one woman who doesn't have some bit of what you call a "mustache" on the side of her lips. Just so you know, when you get those hairs waxed, they grow back even thicker and darker than what they had been before. Women can't just shave them like you do. Belive me, it's not worth it. The first girl who you get to do this, you will know exactly what I am talking about. You will dump her. Because she will then look like a real man. Oh wait, I see what you are getting at............ohhhhhh, I get it. Okay, as for the bad breath, and all the maintenance problems we are having with each other nowadays. Man. Okay. Chill out. CHILL THE FUCK OUT. You aren't perfect. So, stop trying to act like your partner needs to be. This might sound gross, but I actually like the smell of b.o. Not raging basketball b.o, but some type of smell letting me know that a guy is human is nice. As for the breath, well I admit, that is bad. I always make my boyfriend brush his teeth before we make out when he has bad breath. Otherwise, I might puke. Then he will get mad. So, its just a common courtesy.

Again, my interest theory takes place. If you like B.O, find someone who has B.X. If you like bad breath, find someone who likes and has bad breath. Maybe you two will create a new type of chemical or something. Blah blah blah. And women, If your boyfriend asks you to do something outrageous such as shaving your mustache, tell him you will do it as soon as he gets all of his pubes waxed off. It's a fair trade.

Topic of the Week: What is the grossest personal hygiene problem you have encountered on a date?