Straight Up

Commitment is a tough one man. Why is it that dudes are the only animals on the planet that are expected to commit to one person for the rest of their lives. I know youre gonna say that dolphins stay with one mate their whole lives but who wants to fuck a dolphin? Well this one dude does and he can tell ya how. http://www.sexwork.com/family/dolphins1.html

As aside wonder if anyone has ever fucked a tiger?

Anyway Im having a hard time with commitment. At 25, I am not supposed to be settled down right. Trust me Im as far from settling as I have ever been. The problem is that I want to be in a committed relationship with just one woman. This is a new and confusing feeling to me. Its only been in the last 6 months or so that I have felt this way. I used to think I never wanted to get married or have kids. I do not know why I feel this way now when I am sure as shit not moving anywhere near that direction. If anything its gotten worse. If you uhhh know what I mean. Maybe I am trying to squeeze in as much action as I can before I end up settling down.

See I do want a normal regular life. I do want to have a house and maybe a couple kids and I do not want to run around and cheat on my wife. That is not too much to ask right?

All of my older married friends that have to wake up for work tomorrow are rolling in the in beds right now. They are gonna show up for work more tired then usual and have no idea why. Its cause their buddy who they have lived vicariously through for the last 6 years is dying. Im going from slug to butterfly or some less metro sexual bug. Or at least I am trying to. These feelings I have change weekly if not daily though. Next week I may not want to ever get married.

See the thing is I see how fuckin bummed all these married guys are. Women love to deny this or make a joke out of it but its really true. Guys hate being married. I have tried to explain it to girlfriends before. I have had friends tell me how bummed out they were at their wives or that they feel trapped in their jobs because they have to provide for their families. When I have told women about it in the past they just act like its a joke or that I am exaggerating. Start paying attention to it or youre gonna be that single mom posting on craigslist saying that you just want a nice secure man to enjoy your life with but you are so lonely that you will settle for giving some jobless schlub a blowjob while he rests his beer on your head.

As scary as marriage and kids and all that is to me I dont think thats my problem when it comes to committing. I think at this point its more of an instinctual feeling that makes me want to fuck as many women as possible. I think it may be part of the old brain. Like the reptilian part cause I know the part that I talk to everyday is telling me the opposite. Hes telling me to slow down and be a nice guy and not fuck chicks that happen to be best friends cause eventually theyre gonna tell each other and everyone is gonna think youre a scumbag. This totally happened to a guy I know.

Maybe all of this is just a phase. Maybe I will meet my future ex-wife tomorrow.

Well after 6 weeks away Im back in Seattle. It actually doesnt feel very weird to be back but maybe it just hasnt hit me yet. Anyway I dont really have anything interesting to say about being back so I’ll just move on.

We were supposed to debut my column with Lindsey today but we ended up having a little delay in setting up the site to format the column blah blah blah. Im seriously like the worst person when it comes to understanding computers or technology or whatever. The thing is that Im super smart. I just dont really care. This ends up being a problem when I spend six weeks in Europe trying to figure out how to make a call on my cell phone and then realizing later that I need a special sim card for each country and blah blah blah… see I lost interest already.

So since we cant put up the real column this week and since Lindsey and I have never met each other up to this point I decided that we would interview each other just so we could all get to know each other better. I hope to that you guys will send in some more questions for us that we can answer here or in next week’s column.

Anyway the questions are below. The most interesting thing I got out of it was that as a typical woman Lindsey had 3 times as many questions as I did. Usually dudes just ask enough to get laid.

My answers are first.

How old are you? 25

Where do you live? Seattle Washington. Ive been in town for six years
and
have lived all over the city. Now I live in West Seattle, but I'm
answering
this question from London where Im currently shacked up with 3 Swedish
chicks in a hostel. It sounds way cooler then it is.

What would you be doing if you were stuck at home for three hours all by
yourself? Reading cook books and car magazines, writing, and watching
TV.

Where would one most likely find you on a Friday night? Almost always
with
either of my two best dudes. We would be at the Sloop Tavern in Ballard
where
32 oz beers are 3.75. Don’t let anybody else know that.

What were you like in High School? I was a lot of things in high school.
I
started out playing baseball and football. Kind of a jock, but without
that
mentality. I really liked sports and was quite good at them. Then I
started
smoking dope and quit to play in bands. I wasn't a nerd or anything but
I
didn't have many girlfriends. I was voted class clown at the end of 8th
grade and again at the end of senior year. I didn't even go to that
school
senior year. I mean I went to a different school. I'm fuckin funny.

If a guy told you that you were hot, how would you respond? Thats
happened a lot of times. It doesn't bother me at all. Read my column
this
week. Usually I just say thanks and if I think the dude is good looking
I’ll
tell him. Then I’ll tell him that if I could be reincarnated I'd want to
come back as a woman's bicycle seat.

What kind of women do you date? Mostly girls that are into music. Rock
and
roll is probably my favorite thing in the world so if chicks like good
music
like classic rock then I’m usually attracted to them. Also they are
older then me. Usually a lot older, but now that I'm 25 they are
starting to
be around the same age. I like fucking all of them though.

What do you usually wear? Usually jeans and a t-shirt and converse or
Clarks. I really have a weird obsession with fashion though. I’m not
into
dressing up or putting shit in my hair, but I really dig clothes. My mom
has
always kept up on fashion so I would always read her vogue magazines
when I
was little. I really wish I could figure out what kind of style I dig
though. I can't ever seem to decide so I just keep it simple. I love it
when
chicks are really into clothes and shopping. For some reason I always end
up
with girls that dress down though.

Do you shave any of your body hair? Never
who is your favorite actress and why? Uma Thurman. Why? C’mon

do you masturbate to this person or is it a totally different situation?
naw I always masturbate to chicks that I think I could actually nail in
real
life. Like porno chicks or like ugly chicks or chicks from high school.
Or
ugly chicks that taught at my high school. Usually I just watch porno
though.
Who is your favorite talk show host and why? Conan cause they all pretty
much suck

Do you masturbate to this person or is it a totally different situation?
naw he's a dude.
Why are you a perfect candidate for giving advice on dating, sex and
perhaps, love? Well first I'm really smart and good looking. I’d have to
say my second best quality is my modesty.

I've dated a lot of girls and I’ve been in love a few times. People tell
me
I’m really sensitive too. I don't know I think I’m just your average guy
that says what most guys feel, but for some reason they don't ever say it.
Maybe that's true. I don't know. Who else you got for the job?

And now Lindsey. Seriously if I knew she liked Alice in Chains she would have never got this Job.

How old are you and where are you from?

I am 25, born in San Diego, raised in Iowa till I was seven then moved to a
small town outside of Olympia, Washington.

Where do you live now?

I live in this really awesome city called Seattle, more specifically,
Ballard. Is a little Scandanavian community with lots of fishermen, coffee
shops and dive bars.

What is the most important thing you've learned if anything about dating?

Not only can looks be deceiving, but so can first impressions. Men and
women seem to operate
very differently so it’s hard to find someone on the same page as you.
Something always seems
to be missing, but when you do find it its golden! Oh, and if you do want
the gold, definitely don’t go looking. That’s the different between love and
treasure......You have to hunt for treasure. Love seems to run away from
those who are searching.

What do you think is the biggest difference between men and women?

Other than physical body parts, the fact that men are truly driven by sex.
Yea, they might like to come across as intellectual, creative and open
minded, but deep down, they are thinking sex. Women are operated by many
different mechanisms......some women might like to come across as just
wanting sex, but deep down??? I don’t think so. Feel free to disagree
however.

If you could fuck one dude who would that be? Please don't say Will Smith.
That dude sucks.

Making love is way better, but......... Cole Hauser, from the movie
Paparazzi, he is extremely hot........

Do you think about this guy while masturbating or is it a completely
different scenario?

Perhaps, tomorrow when you wake up, you will have found the answer to this
question in your dreams!!!!!!! But, just so you don’t think I am a prude,
no, not him. Sorry mom!!! I feel so guilty.

Who is your favorite band or musician of all time?

It’s a toss up!!! I am in love with James Taylor, but I would die for Alice
in Chains.

Finally what makes you qualified to give advice on sex and dating?

A degree in Society, Ethics and Human Behavior? Probably not though seeming as
I skipped a lot. I think the fact that I have been close to a lot of
interesting and different men and women in general. My life has had its ups
and downs, nothing has been easy, I haven’t been handed everything on a
plate. I also like to listen to people and find myself somewhat open-minded,
if not extremely. Just so you know, I am always up for constructive
criticism or intellectual sparring, I love that shit. But, I am gullible, so
you can’t mess with me. If you decide to then I will have to suspend your
account up to a maximum penalty of 30 days depending on the severity of your
actions. Three strike system. I always hated cops.

So there you go. If you have any specific questions feel free to contact Lindsey and i via the website or just post right here. We'll be answering questions and doing the blog quite regularly now. Also there will be a bunch more lifestyle blogs coming up so check back often to see what's new. Thanks.

So this is officially the last week of my column. Next week Ill be joined by Lindsey as we launch Cats and Dogs. Ill still be writing some stuff on my own whenever I get that special feeling ya know. Like when Im driving late at night and I can feel the heat comin off the road. Reach down between my legs. Ease the seat back. Ya know. That feeling.

Anyway for this last official installment I wanted to change it up a bit. Ive talked a lot about women on here so I figured Id talk about some of my recent encounters with men. Yea I know. Totally gay.

I never feel like meeting women is difficult. I dont mean to hook up with them or whatever but its just more comfortable for me to speak with a woman Ive never met before then some dude. With women you always have that flirting thing that kinda breaks the ice.

With dudes its different. You have to find a common interest or the conversation gets dull real fast. Here are my two recent experiences.

I get into Berlin Wednesday night at about 9:30. I had looked at a German newspaper in Holland to see what was going on and there was a 60s garage rock night at this club Kaffee Burger near my hotel. I get down to the club and it seems pretty dead. There are two dudes hanging out outside that look kinda like greaser rocker types. I ask them if Im in the right place and they say yea and so I head in. Thats usually about the extent of a normal dude conversation. Its an exchange of information and then you move on. Im by myself though in a city where i dont know anyone so when they walk in I offer to buy them a couple beers for the info. We get to talking and like me theyre record collectors. Serious record collectors though. Long story short I end up hanging out with Joern and Christian for 3 more days while im in Berlin. The last day they take me to a bbq and then drive me to the airport. I could tell you how much of a kickass time we had but it would take forever. Anyway the point is its a rare occasion to meet guys and be friends with them after 3 days. We all kinda talked about it too as if it was a weird phenomenon. Anyway I feel like bros. for life with these 2 dudes.

Now Im in Copenhagen. My friend who lives here is in Helsinki for a medical conference so I find myself alone again in another bar. This dude comes up to me and offers to buy me a drink. What the fuck I say since I met two really rad dudes in Berlin Ill give this guy a shot. We start talking and he tells me hes from Sweden. At this point its also extrememely obvious to me that this dude is gay. He looks about my age though and hes not like a bear or anything so when he comes back 15 minutes later and asks me to join him and his friend I say sure. Im not the least bit uncomfortable having drinks with a couple gay dudes. Usually gay dudes know where a pretty good party is anyway. So its Me Allen the Swedish guy and Flemming his Danish friend. We sit there and drink for about 2 hours and talk about politics, new orleans, sex, life whatever ya know. Normal shit that dudes talk about. Let me just point out that at this time both these guys have said they were gay and Ive said I was straight. So eventually Flemming says he has to go because he has to get up early in the morning. I shake his hand and he says goodbye to Allen.

Immediately Allen turns to me and says You wanna have a 3 way with me and my boyfriend. You got two chicks in your pocket I say. I tell him again that Im straight. This is where it gets funny. He starts fucking questioning me like Im in some sort of homo version of Abu Graib or however you spell that place.

You wanna suck my cock in front of my boyfriend. No

Ok Ill suck your cock and my boyfriend watches. No

Ok you fuck me and my boyfriend watches. No

Ill be gentle really. No dude aint happenin.

You wanna take a walk. No.

Can I get you another beer. Yea you could buy me all the beers in this fuckin place but Im still not gonna fuck you or your boyfriend.

I just wanna lay next to you. Im sure you do.

Finally after I drink the beer that he bought me I tell him I have to go.

You might say that I was asking for it by sitting next to him or accepting free drinks but thats what college dudes say when they date rape somebody. I actually bought some of the beers too but fuckin Denmark is expensive and I aint gonna be buying rounds for gay dudes.

I go outside and throw up in the street. Not from being disgusted or anything but I was just really really drunk. As I walk home I think to myself So thats how chicks must feel.

I also realize how straight I feel.

It feels good.

I'm at the train station in Copenhagen right now. So far it's a beautiful expensive boring looking city. However I've yet to visit Chistiania which is the free part of town. Basically the free part means you can buy weed there. I guess it's like some old hippie village. The govt is trying to crack down on it so i gotta get this done before they run out of super skunk mind fuck em 69. You should see the crytals on this shit hmmmmmmmm crystals. I dont know if i said this before but i dont actually smoke dope. Sure if i have to inject whisky into my eyeballs to fuck some hot chick im down. But weed is for losers. Unless again your a hot chick. Anyway Copenhagen seems pretty mellow which for some reason I'm in the mood for.

Berlin on the other hand is fucked. I've never been to a more depressing place and thought to myself... cool. The history of course is why people visit, but people move there because it's so fucking weird and cheap to live there. You can ride your bike all over the whole city and see where hitler's bunker was where the wall used to be or where a bunch of gay german techno freaks are partying in an alley. Its got this really amazing lawless vibe to it as far as being able to see every inch of the city. anyway I wish i could describe it better. Its fucked.

Anyway I'm gonna tell this story backwards because it makes more sense with the tile of the column. Get it? Solid.

So one of the things they have in Berlin are these tours for young people that you can go on for free. I think you just have to tip the the tour guide or something. You can see all the sites learn about the cold war check out the jewish memorial or go on the tour that I took. On my tour you get these two assholes from Australia with bottle of Vodka and orange juice taking you and a bunch of other kids to all the bars in Berlin. Its your average pub crawl except that they give you free shots whenever you ask for them and most of the bars give you a free shot when you order a beer. They take you out til 4 or 5 in the morning or as long as you can take it and you visit 4 bars and 2 clubs.

I thought to myself when I read the ad that this would be perfect for research about male and female interaction or maybe even cooler I could get blacked out drunk.

I show up and of course the first thing I notice is that there are about 30 guys and about 10 women. God I hate guys. After we get walking the 2nd thing I notice is that Im the only american here. And then the third is how all of the stereotypes about people from outside the US are staring me directly in the face. Maybe its just the type of person that goes on a pub crawl maybe I just got lucky but I started laughing to myself about how ridiculous this whole thing was. You had your aformentioned aussie assholes, your english rugby hooligans, a russian chick who was eriously there looking for a husband, 4 hot danish girls that only talked with themselves, the dutch girl who usually only smokes weed and so now shes about to pass out at the first fuckin bar, some fuckin weirdo from Slovakia and then a Canadian chick.

The second bar we go to is where it gets good and I realize again that people are the same all over.

We sit down and the rugby hooligans make a beeline to this canadian girl. Shes really cute so I dont blame them. Im sitting near so I listen to the conversation without really interjecting. Research remember.

Through the conversation I realize she has a masters in art history and is debating with these dudes the Psychology of Architecture. First I think its really funny because I dont think that there is such a thing as the Psychology of Architecture. I know Im probably wrong but I dont care. The reality is that I know 2 things that these hooligans and this woman dont. First none of these dudes are gonna fuck her. They think they are so theyre talking about this fucking bullshit with her. They dont even understand the conversation and are sounding dumber and dumber with each shot. Its funny and pathetic to watch at the same time. It dudes is what it is.

This woman on the other hand doesnt realize that theyre only talking to her because they want to fuck her. You see it all the time where girls will talk to some dude for hours about their lives or how much they know about art or music or whatever. they think were actually interested in them as psople. The truth is that if we meet you on a pub crawl we do not care what the fuck you know as long as you let us have sex with you.

Anyway I later learned that this girl worked for the Pub Crawl so I gave her the benefit of the doubt because sometimes when your working you have to talk to stupid dudes. Ask any bartender about it.

And like I said I knew from the get go that none of these hooligans were gonna fuck her.

I knew for sure when we got to the next bar and she asked me to home with her.

Rulin it Danish style.

see ya next week