My Worst Fear
Ok, I think I finally found a problem that I have. Well, I know I have alot of problems, but one when it comes to guys. I have a problem of committment. I'm not ready to settle down and I can't or don't think I can see myself with just one guy for the rest of my life - atleast right now. I may end up wanting to see other people, I may have missed something if I go and get married or something right now. I don't want to regret anything or wonder "what if?"... You're probably wondering where this came up....
My ex and I were talking last night and I was listening to Rascal Flatts "My Worst Fear", and that made me realize that my worst fear was committment. When I was with Scott, I was with him for 2 years and as soon as he started talking about us getting engaged when I turned 18, I got scared and then problems started occurring and we broke up & he moved to Texarkana because I wouldn't give him another chance. After he moved, I realized that I still wanted to be with him, but it was too late. I had my old best friend call me in July & she told me she saw him doing construction at the church in our town and for me to go by and see if that was him. Turns out, that was really him. All the old feelings came back, and I wanted to be with him so bad, and just go say hi to him. But I couldn't bring myself to turn in there and say hi to him because I was scared that things would just start back the way they were before and I would end up getting scared of committment again. Anyways, my ex Stephen and I were dating, and it did move a little too fast, atleast for me. But once he started talking about how I was all he wanted in his life & I'm the only thing keeping him here (he's had a hard life) and how he wanted to get married & have a family. At first, I was okay with him wanting that, because I know I didn't want that right now & he wouldn't rush me. But when he kept talking about it, the more he talked about it, the more I was wanting to run. Kinda reminds me of "Runaway Bride", LOL. But eventually problems starting occurring with us and then we broke up. He still feels the same way and that's abig problem for me I guess, because I'm still staying away & I can't get around him for a long period of time, even if I want to be. It's like I'm so confused on what to do when it comes to that. Am I not ready to settle down because I know deep down in my heart that I haven't found that right guy or atleast the one that I want to settle down with? I kind of think that myself because I have thought about all the guys in my past and I could only see myself settling down with ONE guy and we've talked about committment and a future together. I never once got scared about that with him, and still to this day haven't been scared over that. That was my 1st love. He was alot of 1st things, maybe that's the reason it doesn't scare me. Even if we talk about it to this day. So is it just because he's my first that I'm not scared or because he's that one guy I know I'd be ready to settle down with. So is it just that I haven't found the right guy or the guys that I'm with - I know deep down I don't want to settle down with them?? Maybe someone can help me!
