PunkxBaby's Blog

Brian Deneke was murdered
on December 12, 1997
-He was 19 years old-

Brian did not die because he deserved to. Brian did not die because he asked to. Brian died because he was different. He was a nonconformist. He was an Individualist. He was a free spirit. Brian was also a thoughtful and caring young man, a good son, a good friend. His life was full of promise. His murder deprived this community of someone who had already begun to make a difference to it and no doubt would have made an even greater difference in the future. Brian Deneke is gone. His death has left a divided city, a shocked city, a hurt city in its wake. It has also left us a memory of who Brian was and what he stood for. That memory can serve either a negative purpose or a positive one.

Brian died being a punk, a friend, a brother, a son, and most of all a beautiful person. Nothing can serve justice to Brian nor bring him back however, we can make sure Brian is never forgotten. May he rest in peace.

As we walk hand in hand
Under broken neon signs
And past people who have no homes
We look up to the black stars
Wondering why things are never what they seem
Can you feel my pain
When you look into my eyes
You're like a maggot filled lollipop
Sweet on the outside
But your hatred burns within
Burrowing through my heart
Yet we are still together
We are still lovers
After all the things you've done
After all the times you were with someone else
I still gave you a hand
But you still refuse to let me cry
Amidst all of this pain
And every night I look into your eyes
Waiting for an ounce of love
But all I get is shame
Cause you know what you're doing
And you know how bad it feels
Yet you continue to drink my blood
Until my veins are dry
Watching my eyes tear
As you walk away
Can you take my hand love
Just one more time
As we walk down the dark alley
To the eternal fire
And lay down
Just one more time
As we share this alcohol
We drink to our lost love
Our hearts are drunk and the pain fades away
Just as it seems to get better
The rope tightens around my neck
I'm held up by a crimson red noose
And you are on the other side of me
Turning blue
And with our ending breaths
We say
I died for love

Whispering slowly to me
The pain tells me to grieve
You can't take it
It's just too much
You're a nothing, low and behold
Forcing myself to think of something else
My mind becomes a blur
I just can't kill the pain
Tears begin to fall
The bottom of this bottle never seems to come
In a fit of rage it's thrown at the wall
Busting into pieces and the alcohol drips slowly
It reminds me of my broken dreams
My broken heart
My broken life
These monsters in my head just won't leave me alone
I begin to shiver
Feeling like I'm underneath a cold rain on a dark night
Underneath the silence
Lie words that are never spoken
I fall into myself
In a sea of pain and wonder
Beside me I feel a piece of glass
Lying on the floor along with me, in a heaped mess
Taking the broken object
I penetrate my flesh
Parting it like the sea
While the red fluid seeps out from between
It brings relief for a moment
As I lay my head back against my wall
I feel my arms warmed with blood
Holding my head in my hands
I can see the pain seep out and run down to my lap
My voice inside is being strangled by a stranger
It's cold and lonely
With no one to talk to
I slowly pull myself off the floor
Leaving the dark room
I look in the mirror
That face just isn't mine

Sick of being what you want me to be
I'm taking this filth away from me
You want me to be perfect
Something from a magazine
Yet I still can't reach your dream
I'm not good enough for you
I just have to change
You wanting me to be like Amy lee
Is driving me crazy
I can only be myself
I gave you all of me
Society tells me to be tiny
To be perfect
That's something I will never be
You want me to look sickly skinny
With a face painted up like a porcelain doll
Like a beautiful statue never to be touched
For the fear of one touch breaking its beauty
Well guess what
I'm a person
I have feelings
You forced me to have eating disorders
You caused me to hate myself
So this poem is for you
And as for society
Well... Fuck You!

Well to make a long story short. Sean didn't show. I found out a few days later that he was really sick and in the hospital. Everyone seems to be skpetical of Sean. I think he's a great person. I don't know what to do. I feel so torn. Should I be with Sean or not? Do I want to risk it. He told me he was gonna take me to Europe during Christmas. Can I really count on him to do it?