Juji's Blog

Single Doesn't Have To Mean Lonely...

Romantic love is great - there are no two ways about it, but to all you singles out there without a partner at this time of year, please, please, please do not lament. A Singles Website surveyed its members and most of its members listed New Year's Day as the loneliest day of the year, and Christmas Day came in a close second. How positively sad! What are these singles doing with their lives? Are they so hell bent on finding a partner, they don't bother to make great friends? Call it lucky, or maybe because I'm very social, I am single - and I have so many special people around me I can hardly keep up with all the functions and parties going on. My week's been filled with unexpected little pressies, warm hugs from people who mean it and very excited nieces and nephews - and there's definitely a great vibe in the air. There's been dinners, dances, phone calls, and lots of dancing. With all this going on, I reckon I've hardly got time for a partner - although if he did happen to stumble along, I wouldn't knock him back.

Life's happiness doesn't have to depend on a romantic relationship - there's far too much other good stuff to enjoy. If people are feeling lonely, while I really can understand it, maybe it's cos they're too focussed on finding the one true love of their life and haven't left space for all the other fantastic people that can add to their life if they're open to it. Our external life is pretty much a reflection of our inner world, so if you're lonely, maybe you're sending out the wrong message. A person who's warm and happy on the inside will attract great people like a magnet.

So, to all you fantastic single people out there, moping will make you unattractive. Get on out there - there's a whole world waiting for you. And...if you do need someone to talk to, please drop me a line. Juji x

What a strange bunch of creatures us Aussies are! It's mid-summer and we gear up for the hottest Christmas lunch - complete with sizzling turkey and steamy plum pudding - while it's 38 degrees in the shade! Sweat trickles down foreheads and into roast potatoes, we swelter over a meal that'll give us far too many layers of totally unnecessary fat, and we decorate our trees with snow. It seems like I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas is embedded somewhere deep in the Australian psyche, and is re-playing like a scratched record.

Some Aussies head to the beach for Christmas lunch. It's a good idea - except for crunching the sand that's blown onto your turkey leg and swallowing the odd fly or two.
Still it's a tad better than in Germany where Christmas Eve is called Dickbauch, which means fat stomach. Everyone has to completely gorge themselves on pig and sausage 'cos tradition has it that if they don't they'll suffer nightmares. I'd probably choose the nightmares.

I think the Brazilians have got it right. They've at least made some attempts at cooling down Christmas. Their Santa, Papai Noel wears light, silk clothing, unlike our poor Santa who wilts inside a hot, red suit, boots, hat and all. Still, the Brazilians do a hot meal of marinated Turkey washed down by guzzles of Cachaca, a traditional sugar cane liquor that I remember consuming far too much of one summer's night. Come to think of it, I really don't remember too much at all aside from throwing up violently and inelegantly outside a very cool club.

So what do you guys get up to at Christmas? It's a kinda weird time that brings a whole bunch of people together that might not see each other much otherwise - the perfect setting for lots of drama! Juji x

Okay, so some folks with little else to spend their time and money on have just carried out a study on bat's balls and brains. Yeah...I ask you. Basically, they found that the bigger the balls, the smaller the brain and vice versa. If the findings apply to humans (and I dunno they do given we usually don't hang upside down in trees, it could explain a lot about the male species. Kind of grounds the expression Dumb Fucker in science. Apparently, there's a biological trade-off between brains and sperm. We already knew men are a bit limited, but this seems to confirm there's only so much good stuff to go round. They can't have both. Given the choice, which would you choose? A guy whose fertilisation capabilites were high, or one who could talk to you very intellectually about it?

A guy I 'know' definitely proves the theory right. His massive scrotum was accompanied by a pea-sized brain. To illustrate, once, in the throws of passion (or so at least I thought we were), he said, "I gotta pick up some spuds for tonight's roast lamb on the way home". Okay, so having sex with me reminds guys of spuds (potatoes)? Is that good? Is it fucked? He then confirmed his minuscule brain size when we were trying to talk about books, and he said, "I nearly finished reading a book - once." From that point, I decided sex in utter silence was the only way to go.

A little research on the topic uncovered a guy with gigantic, elephant-sized balls, who used to delight in dropping them into the hole in front of you when playing pool. This further proves the theory right, 'cos only a dumb-arse would unleash enormous, hairy testicles on a poor, unsuspecting public.

And what about chicks? Is there a possible relationship between brains and boob-size? Given I was lucky enough to get both (but I did want to be two inches taller), that must mean the theory only applies to men, and women are without such biological limitations.

Do you know of anyone with no brains and no balls? (Possibly a mutant). Or more balls than brains? And what about penis size compared to brain size (gives Dickhead a whole new meaning)? Feel no pressure to limit the discussion to scrotums - they ain't that pretty. Juji x

I'm constantly amazed by trends - are we that bored as human beings that we have to keep inventing and re-inventing new things to keep us occupied and entertained? Take, for instance, FUNKtionary, a new dictionary recently published in Australia - it's a compilation of funked-up lingo reflecting the weird and whacky things we modern-day humans do. Here's a sample:

ABDOCATE: Giving up all hope of ever having a 6-pack (I'd settle for a 4...maybe even a 2)
ARSEMOSIS: winning promotions by sucking up your boss's arse (BTW, 'Ass' in Aussie-speak is 'Arse')
BAKED POTATO: A couch potato munching out 'cos he's stoned (note the 'he' 'cos us chicks are too refined for that sort of behaviour)
BLONG - seriously out-there bling - Whoa! I only just caught up with bling!
BOYLOOK: the sort of vague, dumb-arse, non-thorough search a guy does when looking for something
CANKLES: Ankles so fat, you can't tell where the calves end and ankles start. Eouw. While I may not be sporting a 6-pack, god shoot me down if I'm ever sporting cankles - they even sound fat!
CHICK-CHAT: All that talk we have to do about you guys 'cos you drive us to chewin' our own arm off
DESIGNER STUBBLE: a few days' growth. Mmmm...must rub me up against some of that! Never mind the pash-rash - it's worth it. Come to think of it, we'd better come up with a trendier version of 'pash rash'. Surely it's a bit passe by now. Stubble-rubble? Any other suggestions?
EARWORM: A song persistently worming its way through your head
EGO SURFING: Searching the net for any mention of your name...Yeah, that's right, you haven't checked in a while. Off you go and lemme know if you come up with anything exciting
FATTLE: The ongoing battle to lose weight - double Eouw. Sorry! I know I'm not terribly sympathetic...I must have a bitch gene floatin' somewhere round behind my 1-pack
FUR KID: a child substitute of the cat, dog, ferret, mouse, hamster, goat, horse or cow variety
HYPER-DATING: A huge dating turnover in a short period of time - Hey, I thought that was called the "slut phase", or is that the slang version Jed?
KITCHEN PASS: when someone, usually the woman, gives their partner (usually the male - sorry if you're gay, it's too complicated to write) permission to go out for the evening. Huh! And you ask me why I'm not married. Well, actually you haven't, but you might. I stopped asking for permission when I was 2.
MOUSE POTATO; A couch potato who substitutes the TV screen for the computer screen. Is that you? God, is it me? I've, in my years of experience and wisdom, graduated from a Couch Potato, to a Baked Potato to a Mouse Potato. On the upside, I will reiterate, I don't look like a potato.
PARASINGLES: 30-somethings living off their folks at home and not paying a cent. BOOT!
PODDICT: Someone addicted to their iPod. Yeah, I know we have 12 stages for just about everything, but Poddicts Anonymous? And, even if they leave their iPod at home, would they
Be suffering from Earworms?
PREHAB: the mind-fucking bender you go on before going into rehab
TUCKSHOP-LADY ARMS: (Do you call the school canteen the tuckhop in the US?). Anyhow, speaks for itself - fat, flabby upper arms - triple...Okay, I will stop now.
YOYO: "You're On Your Own" - Now that's an easy ditching line - simple, 4 letters, 2 syllables, see-ya.
YURP: a mixture between a yawn and a burp - sounds painful. Is that possible? One requires breathing in, and the other breathing out. Talk about multi-tasking.

And, my own invention: The SHART: Somewhere between a shit and a fart. Big FAT EEEOOOUUWWW.

Hey, I need a name for this chick who's drivin' me to distraction at this regular gig I go to. She's like one hundred and fifty, dresses like the cheer-leader chick who sang 'Oh, Mickey', and attempts to gyrate sexily in front of the guys - although don't know that I can use the words sexy and one-hundred-and-fifty in the same sentence. Help. She's making me puke. And, why am I so fixated by her. Maybe I'm worried I'll look like her one day. I already told my girlfriends that if I'm ever so old and dumb that I don't know when I'm makin' a fool of myself, please just shoot me dead.

Okay, that's quite a spiel from me this week. I wanna know what to call this ancient.
I wanna know if any of you Melbournites caught my little blogging story in mX.
I want your input into this FUNKtionary. Maybe we could call in FRIENDSATION-ICTIONARY. Yah!
I wanna know if you think I'm insane - not that I really care. I just wanna know. If I cared, that'd make me a SHEEPLE: someone who's influenced by what people think.
Juji x