Jennifer

Sorry about my lack of updates.

Christ... okay... I was suppposed to fly Amsterdam yesterday, but something fucked up with my credit card getting declined* and my tickets never being purchased.

But it's k because I found this out a few days ago and fixed it by buying another ticket that leaves five days later. Yeah, I lost a bit of money on that, but who cares. I'm rich, kinda.

*My credit card was declined because apparently I have a credit limit? I had never even heard of this before. I've always used my dad's credit cards which don't have limits, or at least that I've ever reached.

But everything worked out because now my roomie roomster is coming with me. We decided this wile drinking a few nights ago. How sweet will this be?! The two of us frolicking through Holland, Germany, Austria, Croatia, etc. Those countries seem neat, so I bought a rail pass or something to go explore.

I probably sound like one of those dumb chicks who packs three full suitcases-- one for each week of Europe. I'm actually not like that at all, though I do recognize the importance of looking hot in foreign countries. You really should spruce yourself up when traveling because 1) you don't have home court advantage 2) you're constantly meeting strangers and must make a positive first impression. Let's be honest-- when you first meet a person, appearance is key. 3) you are representing America, so it is your responsibility as a citizen to dismiss the fat-rude-ugly American stereotype.

Dressing well only requires a few tips. First, bring stuff that looks chic yet requires little care. Keep things spotless with Shout on-the-go whipes for colors and a bleach pen for your whites. Color coordinate things. You really only need maybe three outfits total. Remember that chances are you're not staying in one place for more than a few days, so why not repeat outfits? Thongs take up less room and are hotter anyway, so stick with those. (Unless you are a man. Man thongs are a no. In fact, I shudder just typing 'man thongs.') What else? A few pieces of jewelry or a cool looking watch will makes you stand out. Only brings shoes you can walk in for long periods of time. (Lucky for my roommate she is a pro at prancing around in stilettos, but my suitcase does not include a pair of heels.) Shorts are kinda a huge 'no' in Europe. Bring one pair if you absolutely must. Oh, and most importantly: recognize your strengths and weaknesses and dress accordingly. For me, I have short but nice legs. This meas short skirts are great, but cropped pants are a huge no because they basically make me look like a midget. I'm tan and void of back-acne, so tying a lack scarf around my chest works well for a sexy, super-easy look.

By 'super-easy' I meant that the scarf is super-easy to pack and wear... not that I'm super-easy. Even if I were super-easy (and single), having sex in Europe is a baaaad idea.

Fuck, I really have to get to packing. I'm supposed to meet my boyfriend at the beach today, but I have to get all my shit for Europe together first. My life is so hard.

A late night conversation spiralled out of control, and my bestie Bianca and I decided to take our men-ventings to a new level and create a list of hints.

A Dozen Hints For The Clueless Every Man

1. When we start dieting or embark on a new work out plan, we need reinforcment that we already look good, even though we obviously think we need improvement. This doesn't mean you have to put up with a girl who says "I'm fat" every 5 seconds. These girls suck, and we all know they know they aren't fat.

2. Don't ever start a compliment with, "I'm so drunk and just realized that..." You might as well say, "Now that i have beer goggles on, I find you attractive, woo hoooo for alcohol!"

3. Don't tell us that our new hair cut/dye job looks hideous, even if it's the truth because, honestly, there's really not that much we can do about it. Besides, if you don't like it chances are WE don't either... don't make us feel worse.

4. Coming over and watching you and your friends play video games is not our idea of fun, unless we
a) suggested it and want to play
-or-
b) invited ourselves over (and knew exactly what we were getting into).

5. Believe it or not, we don't enjoy hearing about how hot Jessica Alba is or how Kiera Knightly has a perfect body (unless of course you include that we look like her). Shut up about celebrities, especially the Victoria's Secret models. We don't look like them... you will never sleep with them... get over it. We would almost rather hear stories about your ex-girlfriend. Almost.

6. When we tell you that you're cute, sometimes we just want you to tell us that WE are cute/adorable/gorgeous. Most girls compliment each other daily, so it confuses and upsets us when our boyfriend (the one person who is supposed to find us MOST attractive) doesn't ever say anything. We especially enjoy hearing this at times when we least expect it (i.e. when we are wearing very little make up or when we just woke up/worked out).

7. Don't tell us you are 'proud' of us for going to work out, ever. That's almost as bad as calling us fat or if we told you that you are poorly-endowed. This stuff just doesn't need to be said, even as a joke.

8. If you are broke and make us pay for things, you are not supposed to spend what little money you have on drugs or strippers. (As a general rule, just about anything invovling strippers will royally piss us off.)

9. When we offer to pay, rarely accept because most of the time we don't mean it. This mainly applies to dates 1-3 and any date that was your suggestion. (If you feel cheated by this rule, remember that the girl's parents will pay for the entire wedding, so shouldn't your parents spot you some cash for the first few dates?) However, if we want to cook you dinner/go see a new movie/take you to hear our fav band play, we can pay and will happily do so.

10. If we try something new you're supposed to notice and tell us if you like it-- wearing our hair culrly, trying a new perfume, showing up glammed-out and lovely for no reason in particular-- that kind of thing. If you really don't like something new we've tried, say, "I like this too, but I really really like [insert alternative here]." This way you're stating a preference instead of insulting us. Clever, isn't it? Yes, we know.

11. Surprise presents like burned cds, chocolate, or a copy of U.S. Weekly will work you wonders. Remember, just because you happen to be cold and un-sentimental doesn't mean that your girlfriend is too. But be warned that unexpected flowers mean one and only one thing: you cheated, felt bad, and got us flowers.

12. Speaking of cheating, don't joke about cheating on us. It's not funny and no one is laughing.

Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, changing your status from "single" to "swinger" on myspace will yield you TONS more cyber flirtation. Now I see what all the fuss was about.

I'll try to make the whining as brief as possible, then I'll just move into a general laundry list of things I hate, which I gaurantee you will find somewhat amusing/offensive.

I admit, the first list does not warrant much sympathy.

List #1: Why I Am In A Pissy Mood
1. I just moved out of my old apartment and into a house, and my friend Steven who is an acredited second year pyschology major says that moving is one of the most pyschologically distressing experiences, second only to losing your entire family in a forrest fire. Here is what is why my moving is so stressful:
a) My box springs do not fit into my room. (They can't fit in the stairwell.) So my mattress is on the floor, along with everything else...
b) My belongings are strewn about the house. I can't find anything.
c) Due to a & b, my room is not cute.
me: my room is just so not cute.
vanessa: yeah sometimes my room is just so lacking in cute that i have to swallow a fistful of midol with a sip of my cosmo in order to forget it all
vanessa: you know what you need to do?
me: hm?
vanessa: you need to just grab a homeless person off the street and have them fix everything
me: Uh, I don't think homeless people know how to fix things.
vanessa: Jesus Christ, aren't they good for anything?!
me: Not really...
vanessa: Then why do we keep feeding them?
The things that come out of my friends' mouths... wow. Let's move on to #2 of why I'm pissed off.

2. I cannot even REMEMBER the last time I had sex. Fucking HELL! I think it was Thursday. Hey, not that there's any connection here, but where has my boyfriend been? I think his work place swallowed him whole.

3. My sleeping patterns are way out of whack, and I'm not even sure what day it is.

4. I do not feel pretty. (Potentially as a direct result of #2.)

Okay, so, the aforementioned reason have effectievely established that I reside in a pissy mood of royal porportions. Now let me tell you about some (fixable) flaws that I find especially unattractive. (You see, whenever I reside in a pissy mood of royal porportions I like to point out flaws I do not have, yell at small children, call people's pets fat, cut in line at the supermarket, get into arguments with elderly couples, etc. Anyway, right now I am going to talk about flaws.)

List #2: Things That I Really Find Unattractive
If you possess any of the things I find unattractive, chances are I was not intentionally trying to single you out and offend you.
1. Untamed, unshapely eyebrows, especially on girls.

OMFG, fix this. Or let me do it. You all have permission to message me and schedule an appointment.

2. Overtweezed eyebrows, which I hate ALMOST as much as untamed eyebrows.

You can fix this too, believe it or not. Most girls don't know how, so here's a website I found after googling "how to fix eyebrows that are so thin and hideous they make me want to die"
eyebrowz.com/correctingoverpluck
Okay, I didn't really google that phrase word-for-word, per say.

3. Gummy smiles... as in smiles that show a lot of gum. I hate gummy smiles more than crooked teeth.

So if you are a gummy-smile-haver or a gummy-smile-dater, there is hope, I think? You can get your excess gum-tissue removed. Here is a random website about correctional medical procedures I found while googling "ugly gummy smiles that should get fixed." gummysmile.com Like I said, this site is completely random. They might actually be collecting people's gum tissues to aid in a ploy of world-domination via tissue cloning for all I know. Basically all I'm saying is don't immediatley trust anything I google.

Behold the wonders of correctional procedures:


4. Bad fake eyelashes.

I guess if you put them on correctly then they're alright... no, no, they're always slutty and whorrible. I think it goes back to this girl in Mexico that tried to make out with the first guy I kissed. I wanted her and her fake eyelashes to get raped and murdered in a Mexican alleyway.

5. Girls who make out with other girls at parties for attention. I think it can be argued that every girl has a little lesbian in her, but simultaneously, every girl has a little feminist in her. So, ladies: please... if you're gonna let the lesbian in your come out, make sure the feminist in you prevents you and your girl-kissing friend from making out infront of a bunch of drunk frat guys fantasizing about fucking the both of you on top of the keg of keystone.

6. Anyone who lists genres of music instead of actual bands. IS IT THAT HARD TO LIST AN ACTUAL BAND, OR IS SCRIBBLING DOWN 'SOFT ROCK' THE BEST YOU CAN DO?

7. People (especially guys) who take pictures of themselves and post them online to show everyone how beautiful they are. This will never be okay with me. Ever.

The end.

I'm going to Amsterdam with my bestie Andrew in less than a month.

Here Andrew and I are in fine form:

We're going across the Atlantic to visit our old high school friend Cameron who moved to Europe a few years ago.

I bought my plane ticket yesterday. Pretty last minute, I guess. But if you're a rich college girl with an entire summer to kill, you can do this kinda shit. I'm staying over there for three whole weeks. Don't worry; I'll keep updating this blog with my story-- "A sorority girl encounters Dutch drugs" -- I'm sure it will be an interesting read.

I'm ridiculously giddy about the whole thing, even though we have no clue where we might go after Amsterdam. I'd like to travel to places I haven't seen. Life's too short and the world too big to visit the same place twice. So far I have these countries of Europe under my belt:
-England (and Scotland, if that counts)
-Ireland
-Spain
-Italy
-France
...and I might add that I've dabbled in Central America and the Carribbean, but nevermind those plebeian countries.

I must admit I haven't seen much of France or Spain though. I just hit those briefly while traveling with friends.

I'm leaning towards stopping in Croatia:

...or really anywhere that doesn't use the Euro because no euro=cheap as hell.

Prague looks amazing as well:

Oooh the possibilities are endless! My only worry is going three whole weeks without my boyfriend, which means three whole weeks without sex. I haven't gone three weeks without sex since... well, since I've started having sex (which actually was only a year and a half ago, but still.) I'm not worried about drunkenly sexing Andrew or Cameron, since they really don't do it for me. And Europeans? Nah... not really interested. Besides, German and Croatian accents? Yeah... definitely not a turn on. My only actual fear is that I'll get sexually frustrated and start lashing out at people. I mean 'lashing out' as in actually lashing/striking/beating people angrily.

Ah fuck, it's sorority meeting time. (Every monday, 5:30) I better go because I need to pick up some adderall from one of the girls.