J Patt's Resolutions for 2006:
1. I promise to wait longer after someone has left the room before I start making fun of them.
2. I promise to stop pretending to be talking on my cell phone in order to avoid making eye contact with those scary street vendors on the drag on the way to class.
3. I promise to stop giving creepy guys fake phone numbers, like 867-5309.
4. When angry at boys, I promise to express my anger in ways other than hitting them in the balls.
5. I promise to stop telling people that I can sing a song about the countries of Africa in geographical order, and to most certainly stop actually singing the song.
6. I promise to control my desire to bite non-food things, (such as pen tops, pencils, towels, and my friends) even though anemia is a perfectly acceptable medical reason to need to bite things. (Look it up.)
7. I promise to admit that my cubic zirconium engagement and wedding rings are both fakes and that I am neither engaged nor married.
8. I promise not to scoff at cab drivers' tastes in music and try to remember that everyone is entitled to his or her own preference.
9. I promise to write thank you notes when I receive gifts.
10. I promise to actually get my jeans hemmed instead of pinning them up with safety pins, which is what I’ve been doing since I left for college.
11. I promise to stop referring to people my own age or older as "kids."
12. I promise to quit pretending to be a member of Mensa and just actually join.
13. I promise to stop using big words like 'metaphysically' or 'multiloquent' around dumb, uneducated people just to make them feel more dumb and uneducated.
14. I promise to stop talking about politics in frat houses because, for whatever reason, my liberal idealism never goes over well with that crowd.
15. I promise to stop taking cheap shots at my friend Hunter's roommate just because he is corpulent and remember that he buys us beer.
16. I promise to stop talking about music in frat houses because this doesn't seem to go over well either.
17. I promise to come up with a better way of meeting cute boys besides "accidentally" running into them at parties and spilling things on myself.
18. Actually, I promise to just stop talking in general in frat houses.
19. I promise to remember to take my iron supplements for anemia so I can better achieve resolution #6.
20. I promise to put away DVDs in their correct cases, especially when putting away other people’s DVDs.
21. I promise to stop hiding little pieces of food in my springer spaniel Max's floppy mouth when he is asleep even though I think this is really funny.
22. I promise not to tell people the tricks I use to remember their names, especially when it is not a very nice trick.
(Example: Amanda, yeah I remember your name because you look like a man... duh.)
23. I promise not to put on a movie just so I have an excuse to eat popcorn.
24. I promise to eat things with lots of salt in a place other than my bed because the salt gets all over the sheets and feels like sand.
25. I promise that when walking by store windows or especially clear ponds I won't discreetly try to look at my reflection.
26. I promise to stop approaching old classmates at parties and volunteering to tell them what I thought of them in high school.
27. I promise to attach my phone to my purse or body somehow, especially when I have been drinking.
28. I promise to accept the fact that no amount of flirtation will ever make the Blockbuster guy waive my late fees.
