Its Not As Easy as it Sounds......
So you told me to put in down on paper if I couldn't sleep. I think what hurt me the most and what really got me upset is that when we met at Tim Horton's you acted like you were in such a big rush and so many other more important things to be doing, and not once did you even ask me how I was doing, if I was feeling ok or anything. For someone that I thought cared about me I wouldn't have expected that sort of treatment, but I got it, I don't know what I have done so wrong with you other than care more than I probaly ever should....
Well I cried and I cried and couldn't stop thinking about you, and how I didn't want to lose you. As I cried and cried I just prayed, hoped and wished that when I did fall asleep and awake that you would no longer exist and the hurt would be gone. But when I awoke today it was still there just as strong as last night in your car. All I ever wanted was for you to care... not really a lot to ask but a lot to ask when you have been hurt by someone you love I guess.... I don't know....... b/c I have been hurt by so many people that I have cared about and even by my one true love yet I keep on trying to care and I keep on going, but I think this has now come to the end. I can't care anymore, not if its going to make me feel like this. I wanted you to be here for me right now through this more than anything else b/c god it hurts like hell Tim. I feel so guilty I swore to myself three years ago that I would never ever put myself through this pain and hurt again, although I was raped the last time i would have kept it had i had more strenght and I swore if I had ever gotten pregnant again I would make up for the last time, but I didn't this time, i just did it all over again and I feel like such a terrible person. I don't expect you to understand how I feel b/c we are both going to go through different feelings but I expected you to at least care or want to know how I felt or how you could make me feel better....
Hearing you say that the last few times that you were with me, you didn't want to but you did b/c i wanted it me made feel like if I could have crawled into the ground and die I would have at that point. I never made you do anything you didn't want to do, you did it b/c you wanted too...
We stopped seeing each other a long time ago, and I knew that, but I don't think you did.
I just want the hurt to stop.... how do you make it stop, how do I trust again, how do i move on??? I have no answers, just pain and hurt...
So you say you want time, well have all the time you need, b/c you know what no matter how much time I ever give you, you will never come back to me, and thats a fact.... i was just the next girl that so happened to have accepted to go out with you b/c she was just as vulnerable as you but being trusting was my mistake.... but I learnt, if anything I definitely learnt. What a harsh way to learn eh? will i be stronger? I don't know, I don't think so b/c although I didnt love you I feel as though my whole heart and soul was ripped out and stomped on about a zillion times. How do i fix it? How do you repair a broken heart that didn't love? Perhaps with hate? No I can't hate you, I don't want to hate, I don't hate, hating is not in me, I only know how to care but apparently its the wrong thing to know. I do need to learn to hate as well I guess.... I don't know.. gosh I wish I could make sense of this, I wish I could just move on and forget you and it would be ok, but I can't.... why can't I? I don't love you.. why should I care or continue to care about someone that allows me to hurt so badly....
I don't know how to do this anymore... I never thought it could hurt so much to have totally lost you. I think the worse part was you telling me that you no longer wanted to be with me and needed your space to figure out what you wanted and if you needed to date other people. And the also hearing that all the times that you have been with me lately you felt bad for doing it and the only reason that you did do it is b/c you knew that its what I wanted. I never thought that you didn't want any of that. I thought we were just friends that we were enjoying ourselves with each other b/c we had great fun hanging out and doing things together but apparently you felt guilty. I think that was the most hurtful thing you could have said to me ever.
I never thought it would hurt as much as it does to have lost you. Nor did I think that your heart could feel so broken when you aren't even in love with a person. All I wish, hope and pray for is to wake up in the morning and for all the hurt and pain to be gone. But we both know that when I wake up in the morning all the pain will still be as clear as it was tonight in your car. All I ever wanted was for you to care and to be there for me. But I guess since you have been hurt so much in the past that you will not trust me or believe that someone can actually, truly, honestly and genuinely care about you.
I have been hurt a lot too, honestly too many times in the past 4 years, more than a person should even be hurt in a life time, but you know what shit happens and it helps make me a stronger person. It teaches us what kind of person we are and what kind of people there are out there in this vicious world that we live in. Yes sometimes its going to hurt a lot more than others but we have to just be strong I guess and move on, b/c if you live in a scared bitter world, how are you ever supposed to be happy? I think after all this shit that I have been through in the past 4 1/2 years this is the last straw with me, I am not going to trust anymore and I am going to stop being nice. B/c apparently being the "nice girl" gets you absolutely no where but hurt even more than the last time. It is true when they say the nice people always finish last. Perhaps its b/c we aren't as cruel as the mean people, but maybe I should try it out and see how it works for me. However I might not be happy with myself but at least I wouldn’t be hurt right?
I have been writing all these feelings down for the past almost 2 weeks, hoping that it would get better and easier not having you but it really hasn’t. Every time I hear your voice it makes me miss you so much more and just wish that all this didn’t happen. Everytime that I think its going to be all fine and that I am going to be ok, and I have begun to sort of forget about you, I remember something good or I talk to you and all the missing and wanting to be with you comes back again. There are too many good time to just forget it all and move on...... So why do I need to move on and just forget them??? I don't want to, they still make me smile thinking about all the fun times that we have had together since we started seeing each other. You brought a lot of happy days to me, you helped me get away from a very unhealthy relationship that I would have probably kept going back too had I not met you, and that I am very grateful for. So why should I just move on and pretend that I didn't care and that you are just another part of my history?
